A memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, and the things you never want to lose! (unknown Author)

Today is all about embracing your past and moving forward without forgetting the things you love and in my case the people I cherish.  Dealing with your past mistakes, past loved ones, past habits that made you the person you stand tall to be today.  For so long I hid from my past grief and most of you may not know or understand the extent of my biggest burden in life, but I am coming clean cause I have found freedom from my hold backs; I now embrace a new life and future with nothing more than love and hope for better days.

Life Quote Pictures, Images and Photos

This is my testimony and commitment towards learning to love myself, better than ever before.  My Biggest obstacle in life was trying to understand that I truly exist in order to hold my family together.  For those whom never heard exact details as to what made me become the man I am today, well here is some of my story:  I have been running from pain since 11/17/02, I self medicated in many ways and continued to hide my pain by abusing my mind, body and soul.
I remember very clearly the phone call that I received while attending the University @ Buffalo and it was the most devastating thing that I would have never expected in a million years.  It was a call that no one would ever want to accept as a reality; it was the sound that still haunts me today.  I could just hear screaming in the most heartfelt way possible to someone so oblivious to pain at this level.  It was my mother & grandmother Screaming at the top of their lungs all the while trying to tell me that my brother Shumpert had passed away while away at college.  This was the moment that my life had become unbearable and the only way I could mask the pain was to do what I thought would make me not feel the pain, I turned to create a habit that haunted me up until recent months.

In my head I always felt like I was going to do something important in life, but my brother was the Athlete whom everyone had believed would someday become a Pro-Athlete.  I mean it seemed like such a visible vision to everyone around him, I remember when kids would approach him in the local mall and would literally ask for his autograph.  Before his death I had always thought I existed to express myself educationally and  he would be the one able to help my mother and grandmother to become financially free from every burden they would ever encounter.

I had really thought he was so strong, considering he knew exactly what he wanted from life;  that was Basketball/Football and oh boy was he so phenominal at both.  But for me I understood that I just wanted to be successful, but I had no idea as to what that exactly meant in terms of an exact career choice.  Things came naturally for him and for me it seemed as though I had to work overtime to learn the things I wanted to learn.

When I struggled to achieve my goals while @ college and continue to attempt to face the pain that came along with knowing that he wasn’t a phone call away anymore.  My addiction became a best friend that I felt I never had met before, it seemed like nothing human could be as consistent as the feeling I got when I gave into my bad habit.  It truly blurred the memories of my sorrow, extracted the feelings of pain from my life temporarily.

For so long I felt mad at the world and for sometime it didn’t feel like it was reality, this eventually convinced me mentally to believe that it would have been more beneficial if it were me who passed away.   In other words I wouldn’t have had to deal with this pain that I believed I couldn’t handle and keep my family sane.  I’d thought well my dad wasn’t really around and he didn’t show me enough to deal with this, besides I had too much on my plate already which stressed me out in addition to this very deeply heartfelt loss.

Years later (7/28/08) when I thought I was coming full circle of my past ways, just when I  finally felt that I was gaining an understanding that time would allow for me to ease the pain from my soul.  I randomly received another startling phone call, this time it was only my mother calling.   However it was to tell me that my youngest brother had been missing for 3days.  Hmm, now at this moment I wanted to literally blink my eyes and wake up in another lifetime.  I took a deep swallow, closed my eyes and totally felt helplessly hurt to an unexplainable degree.  I simply felt so much pain that my body became num.  It seemed as though I was in a movie and someone had hit pause just when the movie was getting good; I wasn’t the viewer but I was the actor in the film.  I literally was at a stand still in a hazy daze of reality, I couldn’t fathom that god would subject my family to another situation with no reason of understanding.

Probably a day or 2 later after my mom had called me I had heard that they found my brother and it wasn’t the news that I wanted to hear.  I remember telling a friend that I think he is dead, because it was not like him to disappear like he did.  I think this hit me even harder than the 1st death, because I had somewhat of an understanding that the my brother that died on (11/17/02) had died doing something he truly enjoyed and that was playing ball.  His illness was that he had an enlarged heart; I strongly feel he kept this a secret from the family, cause he knew my grandma wouldn’t want him to continue to play with this illness.  Reason for this conclusion was that I recall him having a heat stroke one summer from playing basketball and he went to the hospital and really didn’t tell us what had happened.
My brother Chevas that randomly went missing was found shot in the head and left behind a so-called abandoned apartment, which was located right next door to a trap house.  This left me in total devastation cause I almost felt like I could have saved his life, if I had never given up on hoping he would change his ways and just maybe I could have convinced him to stop doing whatever it was that he was doing out in the streets.  I had so much resentment towards him for the pain he had left behind and the daughter that would never know her dad.  It took me 2years to understand that his destiny was fulfilled, that he had chosen to walk his own path of life with god and no matter what I said or did nothing could change the outcome.  I just simply had to deal with it and face reality. I would love to leave you all with some kind words that help me see clearly:

“Every Story has an End but in Life every End is just a new Beginning ” (Life Quote)

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